by admin on November 7, 2011
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What does co-dependency mean to you? Do you feel that you are co-dependent in any way? Melody Beattie coined the term Co-dependency back in the 80’s. I have read a number of Melody’s books over the years and loved them. So I was surprised when I was at a seminar a few years back and she was speaking. She said that she hated the term “Co-dependency”. I was shocked….this coming from the person who started the movement. She said that she didn’t like what it represented and that she had been looking for another term that more accurately described co-dependency and she couldn’t find one. So she continued to use it. So what is co-dependency?
Co-dependency: unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care-taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life.
Melody Beattie, author of co-dependent no more, developed this check list to help you figure out if you are co-dependent:
- Do you feel responsible for other people – their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems by trying to take care of their feelings?
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
- Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
- Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don’t work either?
If this is you don’t fret. You can change this. I believe that most of our society is co-dependent in some form or shape. And that it is probably impossible not to have it in our lives. However, if you do feel that you have checked off more than half of the items above than I would highly recommend that you check out Melody’s books. They are an excellent source for working through co-dependency.
I have been thinking recently about how I can create a healthy inter-dependence in my relationships. So rather than trying not to be co-dependent how can I transform my relationships to a healthy inter-dependence and what does this look like. Here are some things to look for in creating healthy relationships:
- Conscious relationship – Each person knows their own needs and can communicate them
- Communication – Healthy communication between two people
- Take responsibility – Each person take responsibility for their own actions and is accountable
- Co-creation – Work together to co-create the relationship
- Respect – Mutual respect
- Co-operation – Work together to co-operate
These are just a few sample ideas of what a healthy relationship will include. You can add to this and create your own ideal healthy inter-dependent relationship.
Namaste,
Michelle
by admin on October 17, 2011
Do you ever notice recurring patterns in your life? As we get older I have become more aware of my patterns and it seems that as we age they become more ingrained in us. Thus they also become harder to break. Unless we consciously decide to change a pattern we will most likely continue to repeat it for the rest of our lives. What happens is that we produce these patterns because they are connected to some belief system or thought that we created as a child. Because the universe wants us to heal it provides us with opportunities each and every day to do things differently and heal old wounds. Hence the patterns that surface.
We are being drawn to certain situations or types of people that are re-creating our childhood and providing us with an opportunity to heal
I will use myself as an example. I have known for the past few years now that I tend to date emotionally unavailable men. I can see a pattern where they start out very open and then I can sense when they are starting to shut down emotionally. I then go into a pattern of trying to fix it and get them to open up again and become emotionally available again. Eventually it usually ends because I am unwilling to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t available emotionally. I have been doing a lot of inner work over the years to change this pattern. I see now that the reason that I was attracting these men was because I emotionally unavailable as well. We often attract a mirror of what we are. The relationship that recently ended was wonderful and it was going very well, however, the same pattern surfaced and it ended very quickly. I was hurt and upset that I am still creating this pattern. I was frustrated…how come this is still happening? I am doing things differently and have healed a lot so why is this still recurring? I realized that it is because I still haven’t changed the belief system that is creating this pattern. There is something that is still going on within me that is creating this. I know that I need to keep working on this belief system and keep stepping in differently to eventually change this pattern. I also had to remind myself that things are getting better. My relationships over the past few years have been much healthier and happier. I know that it takes time to change patterns and that I have to be patient and keep persevering. I am on the right path and am slowly changing this pattern one relationship at a time.
Here are some tips to help you change your patterns:
- First off you need to be aware of your pattern before you can change it. Identify what the pattern is that you want to change.
- Go within and try to identify the belief system that is creating this pattern i.e. I am not worthy, I am not good enough etc.
- Next time you find yourself in this situation. Ask yourself “What can I do differently?”; “How can I take care of myself in a healthy way?”. Look for the fear as this is often what we need to do. If you are afraid to take action and set a boundary then that is probably where the gift lies.
- Get support. It isn’t easy to change a pattern. So find someone who can listen with an open heart and non-judgmental attitude. If not a friend then a therapist is great as well to help you explore your patterns.
Good luck!
Namaste,
Michelle
